A Bit Surreal

So Cheyann came home for Thanksgiving for the first time in almost three and a half years. It was all a bit surreal. In hindsight I'm grateful I was busy with all of the activities that come along with hosting such an event because the whole situation just felt odd. Cheyann was low-key and subdued. At first she felt overwhelmed because there were too many family members and then she was uncomfortable because it was too quiet when they all went home. She went outside a lot and continued to ask to take a walk. For whatever reason I asked her not to go out alone. She is 18. I'm not sure where that discomfort came from but it was real. We did manage to play some games and she was able to collect some of her belongings that had been in storage and then chatted quietly with her sister but honestly we were all relieved when her ride came to collect her. I don't know what I was expecting...

Made For TV Movie

I feel like I’m living a “made-for-tv movie.” You know that fear we all have about what might happen someday when our adopted kiddos get older? It’s really happening!! Lynn ran away from home on Friday and ended up at the home of her bio mom with whom she has been in increasingly greater contact over the last few years. Bio mom is still a mess according to her own biological relatives, who have been blowing up my phone all weekend to tell me AD is not in a good place. But in the meantime she continues to refuse to come home and although Bio mom is making some kind of effort to keep in contact with me it is becoming increasingly clear that she is not being honest about her intentions. Yes- I’ve contacted all the “authorities, and yes it’s all being documented but what a nightmare. 😧

Vicarious Trauma

I have been reading the book Tribe lately and scarily relating all too well. How sad is it that the role of foster/adoptive parent feels similar to that of a war veteran?!? The "hits" we take on a regular basis that cut to our very souls. The hypervigilance - just waiting for the next shoe to fall. The sense of despondency and the chronic fear that our children are just never going to make it through. And that sense of just being so tired. I am tired. This journey is exhausting.

Just Muddling Through

The question posted on the support group web page: "Are you currently surviving or thriving?"  My mind turned this question over and over in my head as I reviewed the current status of my family and could just not land on one side or another. On some days and in some ways we are thriving, but on other days and in other ways we are just surviving. As I continues to ponder how best to answer the question I noted one differing comment in the sea of  "just barely surviving" comments with a smattering of "thrivings" - stating, "we are just muddling through". Yes. That. For the most part, we are muddling through.

She Kinda has It Coming

Lynn shared with me yesterday that she had to report a peer for sexually harassing her over Snapchat. For "normally-developing" teens with no trauma history or 'baggage', the responses of most of the adults in their world given this kind of event are generally comments full of concern and maybe even anger towards the aggressor. For Lynn, given her complicated history and challenged behavioral choices, the responses were more along the lines of the following, "well, the way she acts and dresses she kinda had it coming."  My first instinct was to immediately recoil and push back on the blame-the-victim mentality, but I admit I had second thoughts as well that looked scarily similar to those of the other adults who commented. Just another example of the kind of cognitive shifting that happens in the world of raising traumatized children.  In the end though,  in the words of her brother, "it still isn't right".

Baseball Caps and Eye Pencils

Sometimes it's the everyday "stuff"  that really gets to you. Things seem to be going along just fine with no major issues and once again you are lulled into thinking that maybe this time the healing really has happened and your child really has become "normally developing." And then.. .the ball cap shows up missing and you know exactly where you left it, and you finally figure out how to get into the new Powerschool Portal and lo and behold the child who has continuously reassured you that they have no homework is failing history, and as the frustration level really begins to climb again you discover that the one eye pencil you use every day; the one that has lived in the same drawer in the vanity for years is all of a sudden missing, and you are thrown right back into it. Maybe you really did misplace that item this time? Yeah, you know better.

Making Lemonade

I am so excited to not only announce the publication of my first book -Laugh Before You Cry  -Creative Strategies for Parenting Attachment-Challenged Children, but also to report that it has now being read and reviewed. A bit nerve-wracking for sure, but I was honored to receive the following very special review from a fellow adoption-writer, Susan Badeau:

"So this came in the mail today and I read it in one sitting! Excellent job providing clear, concrete, useful tips and tools for parents! I'll write my Amazon review shortly - bravo Michele Courville Feiner"


It certainly doesn't make the journey any less difficult, but I am so happy to be able to share some of the many ideas and strategies I have learned along the way with others on a similar path. Now - on to work on book two!