New Life

 At 11:05 pm last Monday evening Lynn brought a new life into the world. The feelings are incredibly complex. Gratitude that she felt close enough to me, even given all that we have been through, to ask me to be with her. Incredible frustration that at the very last minute her current boyfriend "decided" that he did not want anyone else in the room once he deigned himself ready to appear on the scene - many hours after all of the hard work was almost done. Fear that she doesn't yet have the skills or the maturity to be a mom herself and what that might mean for this very sweet new soul. Excitement for some fresh buds of family healing, especially with Melissa. Overall awe at the realization that I have another grandchild in the world. And finally, a realization that with this new life, I will undoubtedly be "back in the soup." But for right now, I just want to think about our new little 'Peter', remember how he smells and feels and just be grateful. 

Reunion?

 Cheyann's brother died last month of a heroin overdose. He was 26. The family is still not managing the grief. I flew Cheyann home for the funeral and was able to physically put my eyes on her for the first time in almost 3 years. I drove out to pick up Lynn as well and the three of us spent part of the day together. It was a little awkward, but overall positive. After the event, all went back to the way it was prior. Cheyann back in West Virginia house-flipping with her bio dad. Lynn up north trying to figure out if this newest relationship will work. Still no real progress made for either. But we are staying in touch and connected. And that was an important check in for all of us. 

Hope and the New Normal

 It is hard to believe that it has been almost a year and a half since I have posted. The COVID crisis was certainly part of the reason as it took over so much of our lives, but I think navigating my new normal was also a clear factor.  First a catch-up, and then the new hope. 

Catching up:

The Bio kiddos are doing great. Melissa now has three children (honestly the lights of my life). She continues to take care of others in her home daycare and she and Robert are doing very well. Donald and Lee are still very much together and happy as they work their young adult lives. Donald has been at TSA for over a year now and is looking to/hoping to promote to Customs and Border Patrol. Lynn is still struggling immensely. After a full year of living with the newest boyfriend and his family that situation exploded. Lynn couch-surfed for a few months and then landed with another new boyfriend in a neighboring city. There is a lot of ongoing drama: police presence for domestic violence and substance issues, on-again, off-again employment stints and ongoing health challenges. Still no high school diploma or signs of readiness to get on a positive path to her future. Bio mom is still in her life, but she is no longer speaking to the bio Dad, which I find sad. 

And so the hope of which I speak is for Cheyann. A week or so ago, she posted that she and her boyfriend/husband had finally broken up for good. (apparently, no real surprise, the wedding was not legal so she did not actually get married which is a relief in most ways.) She was actually relatively positive about it and stated that it was a long time coming and she finally felt like she was in a position to do something healthy and positive in her own life and move on. I felt inspired to jump on the wave and suggested again that she consider Job Corps as a way to not only give her a positive step forward as far as training and career, but also to get her back to the East Coast and family. And.. amazingly enough.. she is on board! Together we have filled out the application, she has done an initial phone interview and we are working the application process together. She really does seem ready this time and is showing more excitement for her future then I have ever seen. She wants to do welding - which I think is a solid fit for her. I'm trying desperately not to get my hopes up too high, just in case, but I really want this for her and right now all the pieces seem to be coming together. It is something I will continue to hope and pray for. 

Rough Spot or "New Normal?"

It's been a challenging Holiday season. For all intents and purposes it is really the first one that I am navigating as an official empty nester. I blogged some of the Thanksgiving challenges in my last post, but now we have Christmas. Decorating the house alone, filling out the Christmas cards alone, watching all the Christmas specials alone and wrapping presents alone.. all a bit strange, but picking out and then decorating our Christmas tree alone was the hardest - and the time I most remembered  the much beloved traditions and now missing family members. (My husband, William,  was around for some of the above, but aside from picking out the tree when we did so as a family, he hasn't ever really been an active part of the other traditions anyway.) I did manage to get Lynn to a church holiday event - but even that was awkward as Donald showed up unexpectedly and the tension between the two was palpable. Did I mention already that Cheyann is back in Nebraska?  She is apparently living with her bio dad's ex-girlfriend and now has a waitressing job in a bar. Honestly, I couldn't make this stuff up. Her current boyfriend is with her, not yet employed, and her bio dad vocally detests him and I will actually be surprised if the two don't come to blows at some point in the near future. But, glass half-full, she has a place to lay her head at night and a new job to try to help move her forward. It's something. Yesterday I attempted to confirm with William the plans for a Christmas gift idea for Lynn and got, "I'm got getting that lying, stealing @#@ (fill in your favorite nasty curse word) anything. If you want to get her something do it with your own money." And Melissa shared with me that she no longer tells people that she even has sisters anymore because it's just all too complicated. I reached out to an old friend who I know has an adult adopted daughter who is no longer in their lives to help me better understand this new chapter. Is it yet another rough spot in this journey of raising loosely or unattached traumatized adopted children, or do I have to get used to a "new normal." She shared with me a plethora of experiences of others in her circle that all felt way too similar, and sadly concluded that she believes it is a 'new normal.' Is it time to accept that, or hold out hope?

It's Her or Me

With both Cheyann and Lynn attempting "adulting" in their own way now,  life continues to be full of interesting challenges, but here is the latest: I had been working with Lynn on a plan to complete 3 important life goals  - school, job and health insurance - and as a motivator suggested that if she could complete them all by Thanksgiving then we could potentially arrange for her to reconnect with the nephew she has been really wanting to see again - it's been almost a year now and the two had a very close connection. But my husband and son are both still so angry that they can't see clear and have made it known that if she shows up for Thanksgiving then they won't be there. Deep sigh.

Emotional Overload

"Thanks for coming to visit! I had a great time catching up 💜 goodnight."

After more than a year, we finally got the chance to visit with Cheyann yesterday in her new home state. We had a great 2-3 hours together, talked lots about hopes and dreams and future plans and relived some fun positive memories- and then I got the phone call this morning that she is back in the hospital after another major suicide attempt. I had let myself forget for a moment about this miserable diagnosis she is saddled with and just for a short time, just for a moment let myself believe she had healed. Even her text, above, was convincing. My heart hurt tonight.

Do We Still Have Those Crutches?

It is hard to believe I haven't posted since May. A LOT has changed since then. Here's the recap: Lynn blew out of her Florida gig. Not surprised. But sad. And she did it in classic fashion - engaging in a weekend-long binge of alcohol, drugs and sex in Alabama and then begging for a return bus ticket back to her bio dad's house after she was through. He said no. He was done. I found out she was back in Vermont from my sister who texted me on the 4th of July asking me if I knew that she was home - she had just seen her and talked with her at fireworks.  I had not known, but again - was not surprised. I was a bit surprised thought to find out that all of her bio dad's contact info was not working when I attempted to find out the details. It took me a week or so to track him down but then finally did and so found out those details. He is disappointed and sad as well - (and since he just filed for divorce and lost 2 of his 4 children back to the system since that time, I believe the 'Lynn wrecking ball'  did even more damage to his little family as well.) So sad. And so what now? Well, Lynn is  currently floating between three couches - one at a friend's house - who is still in high school,  one at her current boyfriend's (who just got out of a 2 week rehab stint and is also still in high school) and one at a neighbor's house. Still no health insurance, still no job, still no school, and still no services after being back for almost 3 months now. But she mostly answers my weekly communiques and still feels comfortable asking me for things. Why crutches? I don't even want to know.

And Cheyann. Well, interestingly she blew out of her bio dad's placement in Nebraska right around that same time frame. That bio dad became fed up with her constant cycle, of how he described, pot, sex, video games, rinse and repeat. When he began to put pressure on her, and her live-in boyfriend (that's a whole other story) to make some forward progress, they balked, and he said, fine - go. So they did. But not until they stole money from both him and a friend of his before getting on that Greyhound back to Massachussetts, and phoning SOS to a whole bunch of us en route crying poor and claiming hunger - even though they had left town the day before with both snacks and the $70 stolen cash in their pockets. They landed at the boyfriend's mom's house who threw them out before too long as well. So what now for her? Well, she and the boy are currently renting a room from a friend in Mass. Lots of drugging and drinking - which we all know because she posts pictures of her use regularly, and maybe working here and there? That one is unclear. She too will answer communiques from home mostly regularly and once in awhile will share with me that she is connecting with services there to get residency and a license... and I think that is true to a certain extent because she asks me for things like copies of my mortgage… (ummm.. that isn't going to be helpful for you when you live in Mass and we don't..)

It's a continuing long, long, journey...………………………………………………………………….