Hope?

  And in the midst of the trial - these words of support. So appreciated. 

I don't know how to respond except to say thank you for the update and I think you are doing all the right things in terms of following through with how you feel about each new chapter in this book of life. The plot is wildly unpredictable, the characters ever evolving and manifesting, and the story line is one that has loss and heart break at its core, but hope and resiliency stitched in around its boarders. I hope you are still able to hold on to some positive memories and intentions for the future as you continue your long---- so long for now, good bye for now, hope we can be together again sometime in the future--present of letting go of your almost adult child while hanging on to your daughter.

The Lynn Chronicles

Lately whenever I share the latest news about this kiddo it sounds more and more like a movie, so lately I've been referring to it as "The Lynn Chronicles." Here's the latest:

It is relatively certain at this point that Lynn won't be coming home at all. She is currently still with her Bio aunt in the city - (even though the aunt's children were removed by DCF because it was determined to be an unsafe environment.)  Lynn did allow her respite provider to drop off her belongings to her that I had crated up, and the two of them are staying in touch at least a little.  I pushed the school team into remembering that they still have a responsibility to Lynn, and can't just remove her from their roles and pretend she isn't there, and then the respite provider took the lead and was able to talk Lynn into meeting with a core group of the team with the intention of "closing" her relationship and gathering her educational materials (That meeting is scheduled to take place at DCF  next Thursday.- I am participating only by phone as needed.)  as she....wait for it... prepares to move to Florida to live with her bio Dad - whom she has never met and has only reconnected with through social media a few months ago!!  (this story just gets wilder and wilder. I couldn't make this stuff up..)

Lynn  herself has reached out to me only a few times since Christmas, and generally to ask me for things she needs:  her "shit" - which is undetermined because I already boxed up all of her things and gave them to her, and her social security card, which for some reason I am not feeling like I want to put in her hands. We had a few words last night and I ended up telling her that if bio dad wanted to come up to the house when he comes to 'claim' her on her birthday then I would put the card into his hands - and she agreed to that, but I'm not sure now that I can go through with that plan. On the one hand I am intrigued by the idea that perhaps I can make a reasonable and mature connection with this person who is going to take over the parenting of this teen he does not even know - with the hopes of creating a more long term and sustainable relationship... but on the other hand, I am honestly not feeling safe with that kind of a meeting - both for me emotionally because of Lynn just traipsing back into the house pretending like nothing has happened and that this isn't a big deal - and to be alone with this man who I don't know from Adam.   So.. the jury is out on this one still. I will likely come down somewhere in the middle and opt to meet him in a neutral location with a support person for myself.. It would be a bit sad not to be able to show him where she has grown up.. but maybe if things work out for them he would return at some point and we could do it then. Im just not ready for that yet. I also think I'm going to tell Lynn that I am not comfortable with even that kind of meeting until bio dad and I have made a connection via email or phone first. 

So.. now you are current. It is so miserable - really a grieving process - but grieving for someone who is still alive  - and who rubber bands in and out of your life - is so weird. I'm not loving it. 

Phoenix Rising

Massage is my therapy these days and during a session last week my therapist became really quiet for a time and then said to me: "do you believe in animal totems?" After I responded that I felt drawn to that idea she shared with me that she was getting an incredibly strong impression that a phoenix was with me. I went home and found the following:



"When the mighty phoenix animal  totem presents itself to  you, it is sending you strong messages of hope in the midst of despair. We all experience tough times that drag us down and make us feel engulfed in negativity. It is sometimes hard to imagine pulling ourselves out of them.

During these times we can call upon the phoenix symbolism for strength and a renewal of energy to keep us fighting the good fight. No matter what trials we encounter in our lives the phoenix symbolism is always there to remind us that we can endure."

Grief and Relief

Grief and Relief. How can a human being really experience both of those emotions at the same time, and feel both of them so strongly? Makes no logical sense  -but it very accurately describes where I currently live emotionally.  On December 24th the police department in our "big city" was tipped off as to the location of Lynn via a friend who was talking with her on Snapchat. After an incredibly dramatic day that included bio family blaming me for tipping off the police and then becoming very hostile, and a mental health system that failed, the decision was made to leave Lynn in the dubiously safe hands of bio aunts in said city.  As the last two weeks have unfolded it has become clear to me that this really is the "end" of Lynn's current journey with our family. So grief - for all of the "could- have- beens." She was so close to successfully graduating high school and moving on to some training in a field where she could find a career. She was so close to getting her driver's license. She was so close to moving to the next level of her riding and possibly even solid work at the barn. She was so close to throwing off the ties that were binding her to a life of trauma-reactions and accepting her role in this family that has loved her for 13 years. She was so close..  So grief - not only for the "could-have-beens" but for the loss of Lynn. I love her, and I miss 'us'.   And relief - at no more sleepless nights and fear-filled mornings wondering where she is and worrying about her safety. No more searching the city for her at all hours of the night, placing yet another missing persons call, and responding to calls from crisis, law enforcement and the hospital.  No more having to lock up everything in the house of value for fear it will be stolen. No more phone calls from school reporting that she was skipping school or suspended for this behavior or that. No more hoeing out the bedroom to pull out weeks old food waste and dirty clothing and finding drugs and weapons. No more tense interactions with  my husband and bio children as I attempted to remain her advocate and continue the solitary role of therapeutic parenting throughout all of that hard. Relief at being able to breathe normally again and find myself amidst the ashes. Grief. and.. relief.