It has been almost six months since I have blogged, and for the most part it was a time of new hope. Cheyann was doing really quite well in her new placement (aside from one rough spot where she re-disclosed an incident she "remembered" from her past that her therapist felt needed to be reported, so we had that whole DCF ride again), but she was engaging in therapy, participating in yoga, clarinet, and the greenhouse, we had enjoyed many family trips and visits down and most recently she had even enjoyed a visit home to help celebrate her grandmother's 70th birthday. We had all really started to let ourselves think about maybe a return home, with all the accompanying range of feelings.. and then two weeks ago her SI incidents started up again. Our 3-4 incidents in 6 months suddenly turned into 4-5 in two weeks culminating in a trip to the hospital and a call this morning letting me know that she was being sent back to the Retreat. Back to square one........ Really....Big, big sigh.
So why the slide? It might have to do with the visit home. Perhaps being enmeshed in the family again was just really more that she could bear, even though the feelings were all happy and positive? Perhaps the feeling of loss as she had to leave once again was just a deciding blow? Maybe it's the anti-depressant they decided she needed to re-try. Maybe it's the work she is doing in EMDR - dredging up so many past traumas and just not knowing what to do with it all. And most likely, it's a combination of all of it. I don't know. I just know that the thought of doing it all over again is more than I can bear. I can only imagine how it feels to her.
