Rough Spot or "New Normal?"

It's been a challenging Holiday season. For all intents and purposes it is really the first one that I am navigating as an official empty nester. I blogged some of the Thanksgiving challenges in my last post, but now we have Christmas. Decorating the house alone, filling out the Christmas cards alone, watching all the Christmas specials alone and wrapping presents alone.. all a bit strange, but picking out and then decorating our Christmas tree alone was the hardest - and the time I most remembered  the much beloved traditions and now missing family members. (My husband, William,  was around for some of the above, but aside from picking out the tree when we did so as a family, he hasn't ever really been an active part of the other traditions anyway.) I did manage to get Lynn to a church holiday event - but even that was awkward as Donald showed up unexpectedly and the tension between the two was palpable. Did I mention already that Cheyann is back in Nebraska?  She is apparently living with her bio dad's ex-girlfriend and now has a waitressing job in a bar. Honestly, I couldn't make this stuff up. Her current boyfriend is with her, not yet employed, and her bio dad vocally detests him and I will actually be surprised if the two don't come to blows at some point in the near future. But, glass half-full, she has a place to lay her head at night and a new job to try to help move her forward. It's something. Yesterday I attempted to confirm with William the plans for a Christmas gift idea for Lynn and got, "I'm got getting that lying, stealing @#@ (fill in your favorite nasty curse word) anything. If you want to get her something do it with your own money." And Melissa shared with me that she no longer tells people that she even has sisters anymore because it's just all too complicated. I reached out to an old friend who I know has an adult adopted daughter who is no longer in their lives to help me better understand this new chapter. Is it yet another rough spot in this journey of raising loosely or unattached traumatized adopted children, or do I have to get used to a "new normal." She shared with me a plethora of experiences of others in her circle that all felt way too similar, and sadly concluded that she believes it is a 'new normal.' Is it time to accept that, or hold out hope?

It's Her or Me

With both Cheyann and Lynn attempting "adulting" in their own way now,  life continues to be full of interesting challenges, but here is the latest: I had been working with Lynn on a plan to complete 3 important life goals  - school, job and health insurance - and as a motivator suggested that if she could complete them all by Thanksgiving then we could potentially arrange for her to reconnect with the nephew she has been really wanting to see again - it's been almost a year now and the two had a very close connection. But my husband and son are both still so angry that they can't see clear and have made it known that if she shows up for Thanksgiving then they won't be there. Deep sigh.

Emotional Overload

"Thanks for coming to visit! I had a great time catching up 💜 goodnight."

After more than a year, we finally got the chance to visit with Cheyann yesterday in her new home state. We had a great 2-3 hours together, talked lots about hopes and dreams and future plans and relived some fun positive memories- and then I got the phone call this morning that she is back in the hospital after another major suicide attempt. I had let myself forget for a moment about this miserable diagnosis she is saddled with and just for a short time, just for a moment let myself believe she had healed. Even her text, above, was convincing. My heart hurt tonight.

Do We Still Have Those Crutches?

It is hard to believe I haven't posted since May. A LOT has changed since then. Here's the recap: Lynn blew out of her Florida gig. Not surprised. But sad. And she did it in classic fashion - engaging in a weekend-long binge of alcohol, drugs and sex in Alabama and then begging for a return bus ticket back to her bio dad's house after she was through. He said no. He was done. I found out she was back in Vermont from my sister who texted me on the 4th of July asking me if I knew that she was home - she had just seen her and talked with her at fireworks.  I had not known, but again - was not surprised. I was a bit surprised thought to find out that all of her bio dad's contact info was not working when I attempted to find out the details. It took me a week or so to track him down but then finally did and so found out those details. He is disappointed and sad as well - (and since he just filed for divorce and lost 2 of his 4 children back to the system since that time, I believe the 'Lynn wrecking ball'  did even more damage to his little family as well.) So sad. And so what now? Well, Lynn is  currently floating between three couches - one at a friend's house - who is still in high school,  one at her current boyfriend's (who just got out of a 2 week rehab stint and is also still in high school) and one at a neighbor's house. Still no health insurance, still no job, still no school, and still no services after being back for almost 3 months now. But she mostly answers my weekly communiques and still feels comfortable asking me for things. Why crutches? I don't even want to know.

And Cheyann. Well, interestingly she blew out of her bio dad's placement in Nebraska right around that same time frame. That bio dad became fed up with her constant cycle, of how he described, pot, sex, video games, rinse and repeat. When he began to put pressure on her, and her live-in boyfriend (that's a whole other story) to make some forward progress, they balked, and he said, fine - go. So they did. But not until they stole money from both him and a friend of his before getting on that Greyhound back to Massachussetts, and phoning SOS to a whole bunch of us en route crying poor and claiming hunger - even though they had left town the day before with both snacks and the $70 stolen cash in their pockets. They landed at the boyfriend's mom's house who threw them out before too long as well. So what now for her? Well, she and the boy are currently renting a room from a friend in Mass. Lots of drugging and drinking - which we all know because she posts pictures of her use regularly, and maybe working here and there? That one is unclear. She too will answer communiques from home mostly regularly and once in awhile will share with me that she is connecting with services there to get residency and a license... and I think that is true to a certain extent because she asks me for things like copies of my mortgage… (ummm.. that isn't going to be helpful for you when you live in Mass and we don't..)

It's a continuing long, long, journey...………………………………………………………………….

Happy Mother's Day?

Mother's Day was strange this year - my first year with an official empty nest and only a few months after Lynn's precipitous departure. Really I just spent most of the day by myself. I did have a brief morning visit from my bio son with at least a verbal acknowledgement before he headed off to spend the day fishing with his father. My oldest popped over in the afternoon to deliver a thoughtful gift and although I didn't hear at all from Cheyann  I did get a short Facebook message from Lynn with a Happy Mother's Day - I love and miss you.  I tried to take my own mom out to lunch but she had prior plans - so we took a raincheck.  All of those things do count for something...It just felt anti-climactic and diluted. I think I need to reframe Mother's Day for myself so as to not fall into the trap of expecting things that won't really happen. Next year....

Passing the Baton

I received a true spiritual gift over the weekend - a gift of both of peace and true hope. Lynn's bio dad did in fact arrive to "claim" her and we met to help with the transition. Just before the meeting I had accepted the request of a choir-mate to sing with her church choir that morning - and was gifted with the sermon that brought me the above gifts, because Father Rob spoke of callings and the temporary nature of such. I realized as I sat in my blue choir robe, listening to his words, that foster/adopt mom has in fact been a calling for me for these last few decades, and it is now time to "pass the baton" and step down, allowing someone else to take the next dozen laps with her.  The fact that I could not get her to the 'finish line' of her K-12 years was not a failing at all - I ran my laps to the fullest of my ability and then some, and now it is time for me to rest and support the rest of the race as a cheerleader. I feel really positive about E - the bio dad, and perhaps I am naïve but I think he is going to be able to do it, and I think he will reach out to me as well so I will be able to stay in the picture and in Lynn's life - albeit in a different capacity. Lynn has added me back to her Snapchat and is sharing with me the chronicles of her 2,000 mile drive to her new home. I feel hopeful and at peace.

Hope?

  And in the midst of the trial - these words of support. So appreciated. 

I don't know how to respond except to say thank you for the update and I think you are doing all the right things in terms of following through with how you feel about each new chapter in this book of life. The plot is wildly unpredictable, the characters ever evolving and manifesting, and the story line is one that has loss and heart break at its core, but hope and resiliency stitched in around its boarders. I hope you are still able to hold on to some positive memories and intentions for the future as you continue your long---- so long for now, good bye for now, hope we can be together again sometime in the future--present of letting go of your almost adult child while hanging on to your daughter.

The Lynn Chronicles

Lately whenever I share the latest news about this kiddo it sounds more and more like a movie, so lately I've been referring to it as "The Lynn Chronicles." Here's the latest:

It is relatively certain at this point that Lynn won't be coming home at all. She is currently still with her Bio aunt in the city - (even though the aunt's children were removed by DCF because it was determined to be an unsafe environment.)  Lynn did allow her respite provider to drop off her belongings to her that I had crated up, and the two of them are staying in touch at least a little.  I pushed the school team into remembering that they still have a responsibility to Lynn, and can't just remove her from their roles and pretend she isn't there, and then the respite provider took the lead and was able to talk Lynn into meeting with a core group of the team with the intention of "closing" her relationship and gathering her educational materials (That meeting is scheduled to take place at DCF  next Thursday.- I am participating only by phone as needed.)  as she....wait for it... prepares to move to Florida to live with her bio Dad - whom she has never met and has only reconnected with through social media a few months ago!!  (this story just gets wilder and wilder. I couldn't make this stuff up..)

Lynn  herself has reached out to me only a few times since Christmas, and generally to ask me for things she needs:  her "shit" - which is undetermined because I already boxed up all of her things and gave them to her, and her social security card, which for some reason I am not feeling like I want to put in her hands. We had a few words last night and I ended up telling her that if bio dad wanted to come up to the house when he comes to 'claim' her on her birthday then I would put the card into his hands - and she agreed to that, but I'm not sure now that I can go through with that plan. On the one hand I am intrigued by the idea that perhaps I can make a reasonable and mature connection with this person who is going to take over the parenting of this teen he does not even know - with the hopes of creating a more long term and sustainable relationship... but on the other hand, I am honestly not feeling safe with that kind of a meeting - both for me emotionally because of Lynn just traipsing back into the house pretending like nothing has happened and that this isn't a big deal - and to be alone with this man who I don't know from Adam.   So.. the jury is out on this one still. I will likely come down somewhere in the middle and opt to meet him in a neutral location with a support person for myself.. It would be a bit sad not to be able to show him where she has grown up.. but maybe if things work out for them he would return at some point and we could do it then. Im just not ready for that yet. I also think I'm going to tell Lynn that I am not comfortable with even that kind of meeting until bio dad and I have made a connection via email or phone first. 

So.. now you are current. It is so miserable - really a grieving process - but grieving for someone who is still alive  - and who rubber bands in and out of your life - is so weird. I'm not loving it. 

Phoenix Rising

Massage is my therapy these days and during a session last week my therapist became really quiet for a time and then said to me: "do you believe in animal totems?" After I responded that I felt drawn to that idea she shared with me that she was getting an incredibly strong impression that a phoenix was with me. I went home and found the following:



"When the mighty phoenix animal  totem presents itself to  you, it is sending you strong messages of hope in the midst of despair. We all experience tough times that drag us down and make us feel engulfed in negativity. It is sometimes hard to imagine pulling ourselves out of them.

During these times we can call upon the phoenix symbolism for strength and a renewal of energy to keep us fighting the good fight. No matter what trials we encounter in our lives the phoenix symbolism is always there to remind us that we can endure."

Grief and Relief

Grief and Relief. How can a human being really experience both of those emotions at the same time, and feel both of them so strongly? Makes no logical sense  -but it very accurately describes where I currently live emotionally.  On December 24th the police department in our "big city" was tipped off as to the location of Lynn via a friend who was talking with her on Snapchat. After an incredibly dramatic day that included bio family blaming me for tipping off the police and then becoming very hostile, and a mental health system that failed, the decision was made to leave Lynn in the dubiously safe hands of bio aunts in said city.  As the last two weeks have unfolded it has become clear to me that this really is the "end" of Lynn's current journey with our family. So grief - for all of the "could- have- beens." She was so close to successfully graduating high school and moving on to some training in a field where she could find a career. She was so close to getting her driver's license. She was so close to moving to the next level of her riding and possibly even solid work at the barn. She was so close to throwing off the ties that were binding her to a life of trauma-reactions and accepting her role in this family that has loved her for 13 years. She was so close..  So grief - not only for the "could-have-beens" but for the loss of Lynn. I love her, and I miss 'us'.   And relief - at no more sleepless nights and fear-filled mornings wondering where she is and worrying about her safety. No more searching the city for her at all hours of the night, placing yet another missing persons call, and responding to calls from crisis, law enforcement and the hospital.  No more having to lock up everything in the house of value for fear it will be stolen. No more phone calls from school reporting that she was skipping school or suspended for this behavior or that. No more hoeing out the bedroom to pull out weeks old food waste and dirty clothing and finding drugs and weapons. No more tense interactions with  my husband and bio children as I attempted to remain her advocate and continue the solitary role of therapeutic parenting throughout all of that hard. Relief at being able to breathe normally again and find myself amidst the ashes. Grief. and.. relief.