Law and Order SVU

I know I've said this before, but I just have to say it again: my life is honestly an episode of Law and Order SVU! AD17 is on the run yet again, and this time the intel that we are receiving is absolutely unbelievable. She either disappeared with a) two older men from our community or b) two drug dealers from the big city who trade drugs for sex. She was then either in town 1, town 2, or town 3 (all pinged towers from her social media site) but  didn't stay in any of them long enough for the police from any of those three different towns to track her down.  One bio aunt says she is with the other and vice versa... And the latest... wait for it....two messages place her at the home of her bio aunt's ex boyfriend, who is in his 30s, and who apparently harbors people who are in hiding in his storage unit! I couldn't make these things up...   Oh, and she continues  to pop onto  social media here and there saying she is  "fine" and "safe" and to take the damn missing person notice off Facebook because she is not going home. I so want to respond with something nasty but I'm holding my tongue. Does anyone have a connection with the writers of SVU?! ;p

Pressure Cooker

I have come to the realization (or only now remembering...) that trying  to live a "normal" life for my trauma kiddos is so difficult for them that they inevitably have to "blow"  to bring themselves back to their normal. Just like a pressure cooker. The weeks since Lynn's return from her Thanksgiving "mini-run" were this for her. Too many relatively normal family interactions and activities finally reached their breaking point and the blow up was big. No contact for almost 48 hours, reports that  she is with drug dealers from NY or older men from our neighborhood - exchanging sex for drugs. When she finally checked in briefly this morning - after being badgered by many - she was sullen and distant saying she was fine and was old enough to choose this life. State Police are working hard to locate her. LIT team meeting this afternoon. We badly need to find her an alternative placement to finish out her Senior year.

Walking the Fine Line

It's been an interesting month. After not hearing from Lynn for almost a week, we opted to report her missing once again and she was located via Trooper and brought in to the station. I retrieved her and we headed home. Beyond all logic, I then allowed her to spend the Thanksgiving Holiday with that same "friend" with whom she was hiding out (after spending a good amount of time chatting with the girl's mom who admitted she had been "buffaloed" by Lynn's story that her parents were out of the country and had locked her out of the house). The weekend, out of state,  was bumpy on her end and nice and quiet on ours; and then the return home was also complicated and rocky but in the end she was back in her bed on that Saturday for the first time in over a week.

The school week has been tense, and as remarked on by one of the team members, I really am constantly "walking a fine line."  I allowed her to go to a friend's house on Monday after school  -against my better judgment but knowing I need to give her some breathing room. Tuesday she asked to stay after to participate in Chamber Singers and after 3-4 adults worked to make that happen she skipped and lied about skipping. Wednesday, after a call from school saying she had been suspended for cyber bullying -  she agreed to go to group with one of her new friends. Showed up late for pick up with her new "posse" telling me all about the group, and yes, she lied about going. So today I am crossing the line on the other side and pulling back the plan for her to try Unified again today (fully expecting that she would  skip that as well) and told her she needed to take the bus home. Do I expect her to follow through? Nah, not really. She will likely gazelle.

I've pushed the team to schedule LIT. We desperately need a back-up plan.

Gazelle Revisited

And she's gone again.

Gazelle

"Well, you knew she would gazelle." replied our post-adopt  worker upon hearing about Lynn's latest disappearing act. At first I was annoyed. Felt like the situation was being taken just too lightly - like she really doesn't understand the effect this has on me. But it's growing on me. Gazelle as a verb. I knew she would gazelle. Hmm.

Houdini

My little runaway pulled her Houdini act again over the weekend. No trigger. No issues. No communication. Just gone. Received a text from the bio Aunt that she was spotted in the city with her bio mom again - with a friend heading to the Vape store.  After a weekend of reveling she deigned herself to message me late on Sunday saying she was at the neighbor's house. I admit to a little act of passive aggression and refused to respond to her directly after nonchalantly just re-entering life assuming all would just return to normal. Our neighbor agreed to keep her for the night and she managed to make it to school the next day but then again did not appear home and bedtime was nigh. At about 8pm  I received the following message, "can I come home or are you going to be mean again?" Wait. What? How does you disappearing for a full weekend with no trace translate into me being mean? How in the world does  one parent a 17 year old who is engaging in high-level risky behaviors but still has the thought processing of a toddler?!

Snap

You know how a rubber band can stretch and stretch and stretch until finally it has just stretched so much that it snaps? Yup. I'm there.

She's My Little Runaway Part Two - Or "What is Your Problem?!"

Yup. Again. Is that 6 or 7? I've documented but I've also lost track. This time she disappeared and ended up at a party. Typical teenage poor choice right? Except the party was three days ago now and we still haven't seen her.  She did reach out via Facebook Messenger yesterday. When she found out that she was officially listed as Missing and that whomever she is with could be charged with harboring a runaway. "What is your problem? I am coming home tomorrow so I'm not a runaway." Actually, no.  You aren't coming home tomorrow. You can't just saunter back home like nothing happened and expect that life will just go on as it always has with no recourse or consequence. I'm so tired.....

She's My Little Runaway

Phone call from school mid day on Wednesday -  Lynn checked in to Chorus but then when she found out it was a sub, she left the building. I didn't hear from her again until late morning on Thursday.

This was actually her 5th official runaway episode. I know. Because I 'documented'. That's really all the advice there is out there when you have a chronic runner. Document. Document. Document.  What else can we really do? I am seeing a little bit of a pattern though, now that I see it written down and have spent some time to think it through. My generally frozen girl opts for flight when she has to face the consequences of her poor choices. I guess there is some positive to that - that she is actually feeling some remorse. But the results are still completely unsettling; especially when the choices she makes when she is "on the run" are always amped up even more on the poor- decision scale. And, yes, she may have experienced her own logical consequence effect of a sleepless night in the school dugout (yes, that's actually where she ended up, after climbing on to the school roof with a bunch of 8th grade graduates!), but that sleepless night belonged to me as well. .

And yes, it was another positive sign that she got herself back to school the next day and reached out to me to apologize and own her behavior, but now not only do we have to start work on rebuilding that trust foundation yet again, she may have completely destroyed her already very tenuous connection with her dad, because now he is not only fed up, he is angry because he sees how her choices are affecting me.

Fight, Flight, Freeze.........

The Karmic Bank

I heard this expression the other day - The Karmic Bank -  and just really liked it. The idea is: have I invested enough positive in this relationship so that when all the negative hits it won't overdraw the account? Were the 8-10 years of positive family activities, reading time, vacations, meals, holidays, school events, sports, and walks enough of a positive investment so that now that the turmoil and angst of adolescence has hit - combined with all of that early trauma - Cheyann will somehow be able to draw down that part of the account? I can only hope and pray that there is something more than a zero balance. She is in rough shape. Still in the psych unit after a brush with substances and law enforcement and her social media is replete with suicidality. Last night I was contacted by two of her friends, both of whom are terrified that she will complete her plan upon her scheduled hospital release tomorrow. Screen shots were sent to her team. Messages were left. Information was shared. I continue to reach out - hoping to trigger those memories of when times were good.

The Attachment Continuum

It was actually refreshing to be part of a conversation a few days ago about how to help a mom form an attachment with her twin grand-daughters because she is choosing to take on the gargantuan job of fostering them as their substance-addicted mother heals. It made me remember my many years as an 'attachment-mom' while my bio children were young. Baby-wearing, nursing-on-demand, kangaroo care, child-led sleeping and eating, sequencing, - so many of those strategies that I really so strongly believe in did help me form an undeniable bond with my first born daughter and my son. Attachment parenting works. So, with that in mind, isn't it ironic that I would next welcome into my life a child with a full-blown attachment disorder? Opposite end of the continuum. Way opposite. How much can that rubber band of parenting actually stretch before it snaps?

You Have to Solve it in Layers

There were a lot of really great things about this year's VFAFA Conference - it felt good to be able to share my journey with others who not only could relate, but could be helped. My favorite piece, however, was probably the words of the teenager who was able to solve the rubics cube when he said; "you have to do it in layers."

Isn't that profound?  The work that we are doing can't really be solved piece by piece/section by section/once it is solved then we can move on.... It has to be solved in layers that slowly build on one another.

I'm grateful to know so many people who are willing to work this particular puzzle.

Are You Avoiding Me?

So it's been three weeks since I've heard from Cheyann. She is not returning calls or messages. Her bio Dad did get through at one point and basically got an earful about how we are all ruining her lives and "up in her s---".  I guess she didn't handle our input and advice as to logical next career steps for her. I know she has a new boyfriend because of Facebook. And I know she is struggling with her depression; again because of Facebook. The following are examples of her last few posts. I'm not commenting on them - I guess the fact that she hasn't unfriended me is one positive, and at least I can get some idea of where she is and what she is up to.

Oprah on Trauma

Two great current trauma articles.



https://confessionsofanadoptiveparent.com/3-reasons-traditional-parenting-doesnt-work-with-kids-from-trauma/









https://www.cbsnews.com/news/oprah-winfrey-treating-childhood-trauma/

I Am Trying You Know

"I am trying. I know you don't see it, but I am."   After some initial excitement about the possibility of Job Corps as the next logical step, Cheyann has now decided that it isn't for her. Unfortunately, the one job prospect that was on the table also fell through, and to make things even more complicated once she officially graduates from high school in June she is no longer eligible for the group home where she now resides. So, if no Job Corps, then what? Her bio dad is still hovering around but will soon return to his job in another state. He would like for her to go with him so he could continue to help her transition to "adulthood" and stay relatively stable, but she doesn't want to go. I do see that she is trying. She has made some decent strides in the year since she has been back in her home state, but real life is rearing it's head and she is just about out of time. She somehow still thinks that she can just pick up and find a job somewhere and hang out with others her age in some random apartment. At this point most I can do is to continue to offer her what I think are the best options for this time in her life. And pray that she can find her way.

How Do You Know If Your Child Is Lying?

Answer: Her mouth is open.

 I remember the first time I heard this "joke". Cheyann's respite provider shared it with me one day when I was feeling particularly discouraged about her ongoing inability to be truthful. Miss Goldie knew what she was talking about. She had adopted a young girl with Reactive Attachment Disorder herself and had lots of experience with this particular challenge. Back then I felt like it was a funny exaggeration. Lately - not so much.

Lynn has been on the waitlist for Driver's Ed for almost a year now and her number finally came up. Her first class was yesterday. She came home talking details about the class and I assumed all was good, but today I received the message that she never actually showed up. She SWEARS she was in the room, just in the back where nobody could see her - but not only did she not sign the check- in form, she didn't pick up her folder either, and to top it all off a teacher saw her at a local restaurant in town during Drivers Ed time, but even with all of that information presented, she still maintains her story.

A few hours after chatting with the school team about that situation this morning I received an email from my mom. Over the weekend Lynn told her grandmother that she had never actually received her birthday card with check that MaMa sent her, so a replacement $20 was given. Somehow that missing $20 was cashed last week (when I was on vacation) and so Lynn ended up receiving it twice. The $20 sent by her Aunt for her birthday was also mysteriously 'stolen' from her at school and the $20 I took for myself for spending money for the weekend also mysteriously disappeared from my wallet. Naturally she knows nothing about any of that.

Exhausting.

Fill Your Own Cup?

I love to travel. It really is one of my favorite things to do in life and the one activity almost guaranteed to provide me with much needed rest and relaxation. And - every good  therapist is sure to remind those of us who are tasked with the job of raising traumatized kiddos that we have to make sure we fill our own cups so we are able to do the best parenting job we can do, right?  So, with all of that in mind I have been very mindful over the last few years to be sure to include on my schedule at least one good vacation trip. The problem is, my vacations inevitably trigger severe attachment-related behavioral reactions in Lynn. The last time I went away on a short vacation was the time she disappeared and ran away to her bio mom's house. This time, I returned, from a wonderful cruise in the Caribbean,  to a 1am knock on the door from our local police officers who were asked to make a well-child check on Lynn due to some suicidal ideation activity on her Snapchat. As I dug into that some more I found out that not only had she expressed interest in drinking a bottle of cough syrup, she also had shared with a young man she met at a church dance that if he told anyone that she tried to kiss him that she would kill herself and sent him pictures of slashed wrists (not hers) to prove it. She was able to tell me that she felt really depressed and did wonder how much medicine she needed to take so she didn't have to wake up in the morning.  We spent some time on the phone with Crisis, played with the idea of a residential treatment stay, and then checked in with her full team who had varying degrees of concern. The result: no real action or changes,  and now that I have been home for a week, she is re-regulated and back to "normal". So, yes, we do need to fill our cups, but sometimes I wonder if it's worth the drama upon the return....