Flying Monkeys and Chairs

So Cheyann just completed a relatively successful drama season. There were members of the team very leery as to whether or not she could handle it, but as far as we can see, no major fall-out happened and she was able to make some good peer connections and build a bit of self esteem engaging in a developmentally normalized activity. And that flying monkey costume was kind of awesome..(I won't delve into the symbolic thoughts that ran through my mind with that casting call ;p) But.. we are feeling the fall-out now. The weekend was horrible. So much hostility, anger, oppposition and even some downright dangerous behavior has left me emotionally exhausted on this Monday morning, wondering how I ever let myself get into the situation where I feel like I am living in an emotional battle zone, experiencing the exact same effects that someone who is living in a home with dometic violence would feel. As a social worker, I would be counseling someone in the DV situation to be strong enough to free themself from that damaging relationship.. but we can't do that when the abuser is our own child. And so we just keep pushing forward,  hoping and praying that the prevention we put in place and the positive connections we build will somehow keep the nasty at bay. It works sometimes. And when it doesn't work..... well... it doesn't.

Judge not......

The following quote from Joyce Maynard, an adoptive mom who had to struggle through an adoption- disruption, hit me deeply:


"I believe it is possible to heal deep, deep wounds. But the people who are equipped to do it had better have deep, deep reserves themselves to struggle through some hard times. And I've struggled through a lot of them. But I wasn't, finally, the person who was going to be able to bring them through. And I see my role as the person who got them to the people who can."


Listen to her story here:  http://hereandnow.wbur.org/2013/10/09/maynard-adopted-children

Trying to Sync the Biological Clock

It's been quite awhile since my last posting.. and quite a lot has happened. The "big kids" in our life have crossed major milestones in life - Melissa and her new husband have moved back out west to finish school, and Donald has left for his two year church mission. The rest of us are really just holding on for dear life. Although these latest losses are "normal" ones, the youngers can't differentiate and they are very dys-regulated, Cheyanne to the beat of hostility, anger, opposition and and today culminating in In-School Suspension.... Lynn is coping by amping up in the areas of stealing and hoarding and overall social awkward silliness. It's hard. I find that I have very little tolerance many days for the huge task that is therapeutic parenting. I think there might be a mini- biological clock that lives within me that says;" hey.. you birthed two kids, 19 years has since passed so you must be free of the need to be a daily/perpetual parent.. so celebrate, relax more, travel.. nice job mom! :)   The problem is, the bio clock never synced the fact that two others were added to the family mix later in life who need the above mom to not only stay on daily/perpetual mom mode, but to amp up the energy to match the added needs of the youngers triggered by this newest loss. The two are not yet connecting.. and I find more often than not I am just going through the motions - missing my olders dearly and not wanting to find the energy for the overflowing needs of the youngers. Really.. it's an 'I just don't want to do it right now.. '   I think I need a vacation.

Relief

It has been four days since I delivered the girls to Girl Scout Camp and I am feeling a bit guilty that I am not really missing them very much. What does that say about me?!?!   Some if it is the beauty of the extra freedom; not having to punch a time clock and race around trying to get everyone where they need to go. Some of it is the delicious leisure of lying around in bed for hours just reading a book.. or popping in on an Aqua Zumba class just because I can, but honestly.. that is only a small part of it. The real difference is that it has been such a refreshing relief to not have to lock my bedroom door behind me every time I leave it. Everything I have put down has been exactly where I left it when I went back to get it and after grocery shopping this week I actually put food away in the cupboards.. I feel like I just got my freedom back after a long-term confinement, and I am loving the peace. It is sad that I have to wait until my girls are away to feel this level of peace in our home :(

Surfing...or at least trying.

This is so me this weekend.. except I am not staying upright as well as the surfer above. In fact.. I completely wiped out last night. Uggh. Is there anyone else out there who is experiencing the transition of an adopted child with RAD moving through their teen years and displaying signs of Borderline Personality Disorder? I feel like I am being held emotional hostage in my own home. Not fun.

Meet all the children in our lives...

There is a maroon graduation gown hanging in the closet - a symbol of the next major milestone our family will have to navigate. Donald's graduation is in just over a week, and it is making me feel nostalgic. Again. Especially because this event will mark the successful launching of both of my original (birth) nestlings. It makes me remember.... the early days of long hours of nursing and holding. The worry over the slower physical development and the subsequent terrifying experience of his heart surgery. The middle years of football and lacrosse games, and constant advocating in his schools, the handful of teen years where I was afraid I might lose him to the lures of the "dark side" and now the bittersweet witnessing of the walk down the aisle decked out in a robe of red, waiting to take on the world. Parenting is an amazing journey. It makes me ponder on the other children who have entered our lives along the way as well, some of whom I have kept in contact with, and others whom I wonder about. I feel like I want to chronicle here and account for the many who have crossed our paths (again, using middle names for those who are officially with us for confidentiality purposes, but I am going to go ahead and just use the first names of the others.. mostly because I don't know their middle names and it would be too confusing to just make them all up!!)  So..

Melissa  - first born and bio daughter - now a newlywed finishing her last year of college

Donald -  second born, bio son - graduating from high school and heading off on a church mission

Tasha - first foster/respite daughter  - curly-haired 6 year old who was going to be with us on a more permanent basis but clashed immediately and frequently with Donald (then 9)

Cheyann - first official foster daughter - Cheyann entered the foster care system with her 3 older siblings at the age of 2 due to numerous reports of neglect and some reports of abuse towards older siblings. Her birth mom was also a product of the foster care system and was very addicted to drugs to the point of not being able to care for her family. Cheyann spent a short time in an area foster home with her older brother before a maternal uncle discovered she was in care and brought all four kids to live with his family. Within a few months it became clear that this arrangement was not going to work. The uncle's family system just could not handle the demands four traumatized children brought to an already busy and full home. I knew this family both through school and church and it was at a time we had just purchased our first home and had make the decision to venture into the world of foster care and adoption, so we ended up providing respite care for both Cheyann and her sisters. Although this helped somewhat, it was not enough, and when it became clear that the situation was about to blow up, it was decided that if we could take one of the girls (the brother had been sent to a residential facility earlier on), then the aunt and uncle felt they could manage the other two. Originally it was going to be Cheyann's sister who was going to join our family, but this changed at the last minute and Cheyann came to be with us. For a good year or two, I worked with the Aunt to get the girls back and forth for visits with their birth mom, and the birth mom had some visits at our home and some sporadic phone calls. Unfortunately, it was not sustainable and the state opted to TPR her rights and try to find some permanency for the children. At that point Cheyann had been with us for two years and adoption was logical. Her sisters were adopted by the aunt and uncle with whom we maintain contact. Her brother bounced around and recently returned to his birth mom as he aged out of the system. Cheyann has diagnosed RAD (along with a slew of other challenges) and has easily been one of our hardest children to parent. She still feels abandoned, angry and as if she is living a false life. As I continue to work hard to connect with her, I do have many fears for her future.

Amanda - foster  - came to us at the age of 13 in the springtime after being asked to leave another foster home in our town. She was actually brought to our attention (and our home as a solution requested) by our daughter Melissa who was then in her class at school. We agreed to keep her with us until middle school graduation. Amanda honeymooned for a good month but then began to show the effects of her borderline personality disorder diagnosis. We dealt with high drama, emotional overloading, and risky behaviors and situations for the rest of the school year, in the end really needing to push back on 'the system' (which was telling us they had nowhere else to send her )to find a situation better suited to her needs. Interestingly, this was my first real experience of feeling like I 'failed' a child in asking for her to be moved to a more appropriate setting,  but Amanda herself has re-connected with me via Facebook and has shared that her memories of living in our home for those months are some of her best childhood memories. Hmm... Amanda is now 21 and just had her first baby. I am excited that I will get to meet him in just a few weeks.

Lynn - After our family 'recovered' a bit from our experience with Amanda, we decided to dive in again. At that point we felt strongly that it would be good if we could find someone close to the age of Cheyann so she could have a playmate. In hindsight.. I'm not sure we really thought that through completely, but there it is! We phoned our resource coordinator who told us there was nobody in our county that matched our hoped for description, so we went to a neighboring county who hooked us up with Lynn. (I mention this because a few weeks after we were matched to Lynn, our county called us with a new match that they told us took precedence over Lynn as it was within county. We had, at that point already met Lynn and felt she was the right one and so pushed back. It was not easy but we endured and interestingly, we later found out that the 'new match' was a child who ended up with another family in our church and she is now a good friend of Cheyann's. It would  NOT have been a good sibling match, however, so thank goodness we endured! ) Lynn was the first born child of a young teen mother who was very angry and also drug addicted. The pair were in and out of foster homes for years before Lynn was finally relocated at a transitional foster home where she stayed for about a year before being transferred to the foster home she was at when we met her. Lynn was at this foster home, a wonderful home with two teacher parents and one birth daughter, for about 6 months but the family became nervous when she started acting out sexually and then when her mother was TPRd and she became free for adoption they decided that was not a road they were comfortable taking. Lynn struggles with symptoms of ADHD and can be quite frozen emotionally. She has spent years in therapy trying to thaw,  with some success. She also struggles with the stealing- hoarding-lying triad. On the positive end of things she is a strong athlete, loves horses and all other animals and is an amazing nurturer and a kind, caring and compassionate girl. Lynn has 6 younger birth siblings. We are in touch with two of them and are trying to contact the families of the others to build a connection.

Ethan - Ethan was 17 when he came to stay with us on a cold January day. He was attending an alternate high school and was in treatment for an addiction to substances. For the most part he respected the rules of the household and didn't cause a lot of friction even though family life in general was a rough fit for him after having spent years in rehabs and homes. Melissa (home from college during this time) struggled with his presence as she was bothered by the perpetual smell of cigarette smoke that permeated him.  I will always remember him because his memory of his month-long stay in our home was summarized in a few short words. "without them I would have been out on the streets. I had nowhere else to go." I still keep in contact with Ethan who is working full time and just put a deposit down on his first official apartment. Although I imagine he still struggles with his addictions, he has a lot of potential.

Charles -  Charles is the "Texas Rager" I have blogged about already. After quite a few years of maintaining/managing the crew listed above, with quite a few emergency respite kiddos entering our lives along the way, we decided it was time to see about welcoming another long-termer to the family. My husband had often shared his desire to parent another boy, so we began a search for the right fit. We began in our home state with no luck. We knew we wanted a boy between the ages of 7-11 and we knew we couldn't handle any major challenging diagnoses that would impact the well-being of our teen/tween girls. We ended up surfing the Adopt US Kids site and found a couple of boys we felt would fit and made inquiries. One 'hit' came from the state of Idaho, but did not come to fruition because a birth family member was found. Quite a few other 'hits' we passed on feeling the needs of the boys were just too great given our present family dynamic. Charles felt right. It took almost nine months of inquiring, but finally we were given the go ahead and the match and made the trip to San Antonio, Texas to meet him. Charles then joined the family a week before Christmas and we set off down the six months'  probationary path we needed to walk before adoption proceedings could take place. We really felt like it would work. We really wanted it to work. For the most part Charles' behaviors were very manageable and he had such a good heart and funny, giving spirit that we began to bond. He played basketball, joined cub scouts, skateboarded, joined Tae Kwon Do and then joined baseball. He really wanted so badly to play football and was just waiting for the right season to be on "dad's" team. And then came the episode that sunk the ship. (read previous post for those details..). It is still a bit raw. We still feel a bit like failures... but honestly.. our home is so much more peaceful now that in some ways it was a blessing in disguise. I had not realized just how much he was pulling out of all of us. But I still think about him and miss him. I am hoping to regain communication with him somewhere down the line.. but I'm not hopeful. Texas was not helpful at all while he was with us. It is a longshot.

And others:

Although that wraps up the more permanent and long-term members of the family, we have had many others enter our lives for moments along the way:

Scotty - 8 - one of our earliest respite kiddos forever etched in memory as he accompanied us on our annual trek to find and cut our family Christmas tree

Cory -13 - came relatively frequently for a few years and spent a lot of time with my husband, going to the mall and just hanging out. Now in Residential.

Sarah - 17 - very confident, long-seeing teen with a plan and goals.  She comes periodically to provide respite for her foster mom

Christopher - 13  - difficult match for our family. Lost his sneaker in the creek. Was unhappy and unsettled most of the time he was with us

Carmen - 3-  probably the most 'damaged' young child we have ever sheltered. Heard and listened to voices telling him to hurt himself and others.

Heather - 10 - lots of DV issues. Tough dad.... Who knows what else was going on at the house. Did ok with us off and on..

Colby - 17 - needing a quick respite home before heading to Texas to find other family. Tatooed and pierced, questioning, open to help and assistance

Katelyn - 16 - Screamed for a solid two hours when told she couldn't do something. One of the only short-term respite kiddos we have had who was so challenging. I tend to be 'busy' when calls for respite needs for her come my way these days ;p

The young woman whose name I can't even remember who "hid out" in our home overnight as a Facebook stalker was searching her out.

Caitlin - 17 - has stayed with us off and on a few times over the years. Difficulty with her foster parents and relationships in general

Danielle - 12 - girl from our town - just needed a break from home- drama for a bit

Ana - 14 - Spanish speaking, very quiet when she was with us. Had some issues with Internet safety. Mingled some with my older girls

Alyssa - 11 - arrived very late and bedraggled and gone early the next morning. Blonde, blue-eyed, elfin,  clearly needing control and probably deeply angry

Kayla - 16 - quite distant. Missing many of her teeth.  Seemingly already "beaten" by the hand she was dealt in her short number of years on Earth

Kyla - 12- Needed a break from mom. Challenging. Pushed many limits.

The A. clan - 5 children ranging in age from 2-8 that Melissa and I agreed to take on for the day. Interesting the difference between how they were described by DCF (no real problems) and the challenges we saw that day!!  Not to mention that our house has never been toddler-proofed. Exhausting!

Michael - 16 - charming and level. I remember this kiddo because typically we don't take in teen boys right now because of the ages of our adopted girls and potential for trouble there, but the case - worker for this teen really felt like it would be ok as he was not interested in girls - and it really was. Cheyann still thought he was cute, but he pretty much ignored her.

Ryley - 10 - arrived bedecked in gold chains and accompanying attitude. Headed to Residential from our home - no real surprise there.

I think that is everyone up until today, and I look forward to adding more to the list.
I am grateful to have been able to share even a small moment of time with each of these souls.  They have all taught me something along the way, and hopefully, we have helped create a memory for each of them of at least one family.. one person.. in their lives who cared.

Getting Back in the Game

It was a whirlwind kind of week with a fair amount of chaos, but surprisingly not as much as I expected. The entire experience was actually kind of magical and I was so grateful for the abundant feelings of peace and serenity. Admittedly, I did not think a whole lot about how my younger adopteds were taking it all in, and when I received more than a handful of SOS calls from the school in the 3 days we were gone, I was not surprised, but I was frustrated and not really willing to give up the 'normalcy' of the marriage of my firstborn. I pushed back, and am still pushing even as  I realize I have to help them assimilate yet another loss in their lives. I am trying to convince them that this is really more about gaining a new brother than losing a sister.. but they aren't buying it, and as their behavior disintegrates, I find myself having to leave the fairy tale and get back in the game.

Breaking

As per the title, this family might not ever break, but our hearts certainly are breaking. Our Texas Rager went into a deep and irreversible decline that began with the window breaking posted about earlier, segued into breaking and entering into the neighbors home, and ended in a 18+ hour dramatic run of events including two run away attempts, an assault and crisis and police intervention. In the end, although we love him dearly, we could not keep him safe and he is now back in his residential facility in Texas. I am numb and so incredibly sad.

"Cleaning" windows

I was so excited to find the time and energy to polish off the window cleaning spring chore over Spring Break. I love the way the the windows look and smell right after the wash and the fresh air and birdsong blowing in is an added bonus. This spring, however, will ever be remembered as the 'windows year' not because I was able to enjoy my annual freshening up of thewindows, but because our Rager From Texas opted to do his own windows cleaning and smashed out five of them in a particularly poignant rage. Not one of my happier memories.

The Rager From Texas

"My other children, pre-adoption back in Texas, with multiple caretakers, constantly changing homes, major and very painful breaks in parental relationships, and some of my children lost other birth siblings into the wind, well it's no wonder that many of them raged.

They had no other way to express their profound and very deep emotional pain."

Quoted from one of my favorite bloggers, Big Mama Hollers    and completely describing what is happening with our newest addition - our rager from Texas.   He fits this bill completely. Mind you, understanding where the rages come from doesn't make it easier for any of us who are in the middle of it... but it does provide a perspective.. And this is the child who just found out his therapist passed away unexpectedly yesterday? How do you add that piece to the already vastly unmanageable emotional soup already brewing in his body? I guess we are about to find out...

Messed-up Parenting

I got a call from Cheyanne's caseworker last night. She had noticed some new cuts and thought they were bleeding. That prompted a call from the agency's crisis worker and then again this morning from the case manager. I guess we were at a different agency the last time she amped up... because I don't remember quite so much attention the last time around. I followed the protocol we have set up with the therapists who work work with and have worked with her.. We didn't pay a whole lot of attention to it. Asked the school nurse to check the cuts for infection (which C refused this time around.. a whole new twist..).. but really just kept going about our day and tried to dial up the positive supports and connections. Such a good example of how something that would have greatly concerned, even scared me, if it had happened earlier in my career of parenting truamatized children now barely even registers on the "worried-o-meter"   Is there something wrong with me that the fact that one of my children collects and hoards pieces of glass and other sharp object with which to carve scarlet ribbons in their skin doesn't even really bother me anymore? Wow. Thank goodness for her therapist who reassures me that not only am I ok, but she is grateful for my level response. She will let me know if I need to become 'less numb'. Hm.. Also a perfect example of how messed-up parenting these children can look to the 'outside world'. It really is a completely new game.

Attitude Adjustment Needed

One of the benefits I enjoy as an employee of a public school is that for the most part I get summer vacations off. This was actually one of the reasons I chose the career I did. I knew early on that if I had to return to the world of work, I wanted to be on my children's schedule so I could be sure to have a lot of time with them. So now that we are on the cusp of Spring Break, why do I find myself actually dreading the upcoming summer break? It gives me a lot to think about. Clearly a lot of it is because, let's face it, parenting my truamatized kiddos 24/7 without the benefit of their added support network is absolutely exhausting. Probably not a lot more is needed to be said in this regard. If you parent children from trama.. you know what I'm talking about. But I think for me this year, it's more complicated. As I prepare myself to say some "goodbyes" to my birth children - my oldest getting married in one short month and my son heading off for two years to serve his mission for our church, I realize that my biological clock is confused. It is sensing that if not for the younger three children added late to our family mix, my summers would now be looking like this:

 

But instead.. my summer will probably look more like this:

 

 

I know.. I need an attitude adjustment. I know.. there are so many positive things about having youngers around. I know..I signed on for this and I know.. most likely I would be really bored and lonely if not for them.. but my heart just isn't feeling it today.  It might have something to do with the fact that it is snowing and sleeting outside.. in mid April.  I could use a "just hang in there, I hear you!"   Uggh.

Connecting on the mountain

It was a bit of a ride to our Easter celebration this year  (We opted to spend it with the family of my oldest daughter's fiance so we can all get to know one another better...) and I was able to really enjoy the majestic beauty of the still snow-topped mountains. A long drive sends the mind wandering and speaking of mountains, I realized I had not yet blogged about a really critical event that happened earlier this winter: One day, over winter break, I decided to go downhill skiing. It had been a number of years since I had gone, and it isn't something I am really all that good at, but I just wanted to go. At first, it was going to be a date -day with my husband, but when our newest foster son blew out of vacation camp, that was not going to happen... so I had the surprising idea to invite Cheyanne to ski with me instead. (Dad got to stay at home to be the new vacation camp.. but that's another story...)  Now.. if you have read my Blogs to this point, you are saying to yourself, "what.. is she crazy? " and there were moments when I would have replied with agreement. It did indeed appear to be a crazy move. But the invitation went out,  I was committed.. so I went with it.

 Now, I prepared myself for the worst. Cheyanne had taken ski lessons with the rest of the family for a few years as well, so she had some experience, but it had also been 3-4 years since she had been on the mountain, so who knew what this would look like... Is skiing like riding a bike? Does it all come back to you even after years away? Who knew... We began on the bunny mountain just to get our 'sea-legs' .. and that went surprisingly well. I only got a little attitude so we moved on to the real mountain. Half-way up was our next mark and we navigated the lift well and even managed to get off in one piece.. but then things started crumbling. Cheyanne panicked a bit and was not able to control her skis on this steeper mountain and was spending more time on the ground tangled up in a heap than she was skiing. The pleasant mood was disintegrating as her angry curses flew through the air. I was thinking.. hard.. a lot.... looking for ways to navigate through.. Amazingly I was able to stay level and connected myself as I skiied over to her. I managed to spit out a couple of simple corrections that I thought might help her (dodging the verbal barrage that was the response to assistance) and then informed her that I thought it would be better if I skiied down alone this run so she would have a chance to re-learn her skis without an audience. I told her I would get off halfway again and come back to see how she was doing. She was not happy. It was a risk. It worked. I practice my own skills of self-regulation as I skiied down the hill and then went back up the lift. I saw her from my aerial perch.. sitting there in the same heap I had left her in.. watching for me.. I got off and as I skiied back down to her I saw her still in the same heap.. watching me. As I got closer I noted that she was working on standing again, and as I approached, she stood up and skiied down to me, staying upright the rest of the way down the hill without falling. Neither of us said anything. When we got to the bottom successfully I softly suggested that she might want to stop for the day and head to the lodge and was shocked when she responded that she wanted to try it again. I hesitated.. a million scenarios running through my head.. but again I trusted my gut and relented. Going up in the chairlift together the second time, Cheyanne cheerfully bantered back and forth,  positively connecting in many ways. We joked about falling off the lift. We commented about other skiiers. We remarked on the beauty of the mountain. As we neared the halfway point, we decided to get off together and successfully skiied down the mountain with no falls. The rest of the day was a success with many other incidents of positive connectin and regard. At the end of the day we decided to make it a tradition. Just Cheyanne and I.. downhill skiing and connecting together. Phew.... a success.

The Trust Apple..

 

about that.... we talk a lot in our house about earning and then losing trust, especially in relation to stealing and lying behaviors... I don't think I really understand how this all works with trauma kids. Are we constantly trying to re-glue the apple... or are we just switching to oranges completely?

 

 

 

Of Cadbury Eggs and Cat Poop...

There was an argument.. about a lock. Dad had purchased a new lock for the deep freezer  in an attempt to try to hold on to some designated food items for longer than a day or two.. (and a place for Melissa to keep the specialty food she has been buying for herself). The lock was "borrowed" and then "misplaced" before it could even be installed on the freezer. It was the resurfacing of the lock in the girls' room that caused the unpleasant interactions that followed. I can' t tell you exactly what that looked like. I wasn' t there. Thankfully.. I was out enjoying a High School hockey game. Apparently it must have been a doozy of an argument because I woke the next morning to a note from Dad to his girls thanking them for the gift of the cat poop in his shoes, and promising them a gift from him in return. Ah.. revenge. We use humor in our house. A lot. It does admittedly border on sarcasm. Often. But it does help to keep us sane in the midst of the craziness of raising children from trauma. In this case... the humor worked fairly well. Cheyann, the finally admitted culprit in all of this, was on pins and needles all day just waiting and watching for her father's return act. He kept her waiting. That was the best revenge of all. By the end of the day I was ready for the game to move on so I stopped to by a Cadbury Cream Egg for Cheyann to give to her Dad as a peace offering. They are his favorites. I think it worked.. I never did see any itching poweder in the underclothing.

Shifting Ice

I read a Facebook post from a friend the other day. She and her husband were out taking a walk on the iced-over lake when they heard a big cracking sound. The walk was all-of-a sudden much less peaceful! I feel like that a lot lately. There are big changes coming up for our family, and as the 'ice' attempts to shift itself around, the cracks that appear are kind of scary. One of the big things happening around our place right now is that our oldest child is getting ready to leave the home to be married. She is my baby - my firstborn - and it is hard enough for me to adapt as that baby bird prepares to fly the nest; for her younger, adopted siblings, it is almost impossible. They are not coping well. And as they attempt to deal with that loss by taking ("stealing")  items from her in a primitive attempt to hold on to her, their relationship just gets worse. The cracks are really growing.

It isn't as though Melissa hasn't experienced this behavior from her siblings all along the way. The stealing/hoarding/lying triad has been a very large component of both of her sisters' RAD-related challenges since day one.. and probably like all of you reading this - nothing we have tried has really helped change anything except for the way we look at and manage it all. It just feels harder to deal with right now because not only is it getting worse as the marriage date gets closer, the sibling relationships get even more damaged. I want Melissa's last days at home to be full of happiness and joy as she finishes up this part of her journey, and honestly, part of me feels more than a bit angry that this behavior of her sisters' is getting in the way of the vision I have for this last leg of the journey of my oldest. And the other part of me just feels sad.

Breaking Families

So, the interesting thing about the idea of a family never breaking is that as I reflect back on our journey as a blended family, I think that is kind of what happened.. but I am getting ahead of myself so let me back up a little..  My Blog is actually named after a book I have written with the same title; and the words themselves came from my now 13 year old daughter, Cheyann, who was just 5 at the time and soon to be adopted. Our family was just coming off a year of full blown RAD-type behavior including wallpaper being ripped off walls and stuffed in grates, kicking and hitting classmates, locking adults out of cars and houses, all kinds of stealing and lying and general raging, frequent public self-stimming and zero fear of strangers. Although we were still committed to this child who had wormed her way into our hearts, we now had a much better idea of what we were in for and it was a little scary. I thought I had had a pretty good idea of what we were getting into as foster/adopt parents. I was wrong.  One day, after a particularly rough week of behaviors, I was driving Cheyann home from daycare. It was a quieter time where things were relatively calm and regulated when I heard a small voice from the back seat call out to me - 'this family will never break"  I have never forgotten that.. and I still go back to that day, during those times when things get really rough, to help me remember. This young child who in her short 5 years of life had already experienced the 'breaking' of two families, was desperately hoping, and continues to hope to this day, that this time, her new adoptive family, would stay whole. And so we push on.

So the breaking idea?  Well, I think when you bring a new child into a home with already established roles and routines, that family structure has to be broken in order to allow for the new sprout to take root and grow. This is hard work and can be very painful for everyone. I have faith that the end result will be a beautiful newly grafted family that just would not be the same without the addition of our three adopted 'youngers'. We just have to navigate all of the 'hard' that is in the middle... and this is our continuing journey.

So..why the title..

As I begin to get my feet wet in this world of blogging, I think it makes the most sense to start at the beginning and tell you a bit about our blended family. My husband and I started out in a more traditional way. We met at a college fraternity party and married two years later after we graduated. After waiting 5 years and working in our careers, we had our first daughter, Melissa. (I am going to use our children's middle names since many of them are tender about being "recognized"). Her brother Donny followed a few years later and I played the game of Sequencing- blending my career and stay-at-home time to meet the needs of my family. When Donny was about 6 or so and beginning school himself, I felt a strong impression that there were more children for me to raise, but by this time my career was in such a place that we didn't feel like babies would really work in our lives (I had always felt strongly that babies and young children needed to be home with their moms), and I had always wanted to give back by raising foster children and adopting, so we opted to take that life path. A few years after that, Cheyann joined our world as a 4 year old foster daughter. Two years later, Cheyann was adopted and Lynn entered the family as a 5 year old foster daughter and was adopted a year after that. Finally, and most recently, Charles joined our family just before Christmas and we hope to adopt him some time this summer.

And so our family grows. There have been many sweet and special times; and there have been many challenges. Our younger three have all been through many traumatic situations and all have numerous diagnoses. Cheyann is diagnosed with Reactive Attachment and we have had to stretch a lot to learn about and learn to live with this disability. Lynn is 'only' diagnosed with ADHD, but is struggling to unthaw from her years of neglect and learn to trust the trustworthy in the world as she enters the world of adolescence, and we are really just beginning to get to know Charles, but we can already see the very deep currents of rage he contains deep in his soul. Our older two kiddos have experienced a great deal of secondary trauma because of the joining to the family of these, their adopted siblings, a consequence we did not fully anticipate as we set out on this journey.

As I mentioned in my profile, I learn a lot through writing about what is happening, and I also learn a lot by reading the blogs of others on a similar journey, so my hope is that we might all find each other and thereby become stronger in our individual quests by bonding together. I look forward to meeting many other of you "trauma mamas."

Life in the Grateful House#links

Life in the Grateful House#links

And so it begins...

I have been wanting to start a blog for a long time.. not only in the hopes of finding others on a similar journey.. but also as writing helps me to heal myself during this challenging journey of parenting traumatized children. I find comfort in reading the Blogs of others who are similarly traveling and hope I will find more companions along the way.