There is a maroon graduation gown hanging in the closet - a symbol of the next major milestone our family will have to navigate. Donald's graduation is in just over a week, and it is making me feel nostalgic. Again. Especially because this event will mark the successful launching of both of my original (birth) nestlings. It makes me remember.... the early days of long hours of nursing and holding. The worry over the slower physical development and the subsequent terrifying experience of his heart surgery. The middle years of football and lacrosse games, and constant advocating in his schools, the handful of teen years where I was afraid I might lose him to the lures of the "dark side" and now the bittersweet witnessing of the walk down the aisle decked out in a robe of red, waiting to take on the world. Parenting is an amazing journey. It makes me ponder on the other children who have entered our lives along the way as well, some of whom I have kept in contact with, and others whom I wonder about. I feel like I want to chronicle here and account for the many who have crossed our paths (again, using middle names for those who are officially with us for confidentiality purposes, but I am going to go ahead and just use the first names of the others.. mostly because I don't know their middle names and it would be too confusing to just make them all up!!) So..
Melissa - first born and bio daughter - now a newlywed finishing her last year of college
Donald - second born, bio son - graduating from high school and heading off on a church mission
Tasha - first foster/respite daughter - curly-haired 6 year old who was going to be with us on a more permanent basis but clashed immediately and frequently with Donald (then 9)
Cheyann - first official foster daughter - Cheyann entered the foster care system with her 3 older siblings at the age of 2 due to numerous reports of neglect and some reports of abuse towards older siblings. Her birth mom was also a product of the foster care system and was very addicted to drugs to the point of not being able to care for her family. Cheyann spent a short time in an area foster home with her older brother before a maternal uncle discovered she was in care and brought all four kids to live with his family. Within a few months it became clear that this arrangement was not going to work. The uncle's family system just could not handle the demands four traumatized children brought to an already busy and full home. I knew this family both through school and church and it was at a time we had just purchased our first home and had make the decision to venture into the world of foster care and adoption, so we ended up providing respite care for both Cheyann and her sisters. Although this helped somewhat, it was not enough, and when it became clear that the situation was about to blow up, it was decided that if we could take one of the girls (the brother had been sent to a residential facility earlier on), then the aunt and uncle felt they could manage the other two. Originally it was going to be Cheyann's sister who was going to join our family, but this changed at the last minute and Cheyann came to be with us. For a good year or two, I worked with the Aunt to get the girls back and forth for visits with their birth mom, and the birth mom had some visits at our home and some sporadic phone calls. Unfortunately, it was not sustainable and the state opted to TPR her rights and try to find some permanency for the children. At that point Cheyann had been with us for two years and adoption was logical. Her sisters were adopted by the aunt and uncle with whom we maintain contact. Her brother bounced around and recently returned to his birth mom as he aged out of the system. Cheyann has diagnosed RAD (along with a slew of other challenges) and has easily been one of our hardest children to parent. She still feels abandoned, angry and as if she is living a false life. As I continue to work hard to connect with her, I do have many fears for her future.
Amanda - foster - came to us at the age of 13 in the springtime after being asked to leave another foster home in our town. She was actually brought to our attention (and our home as a solution requested) by our daughter Melissa who was then in her class at school. We agreed to keep her with us until middle school graduation. Amanda honeymooned for a good month but then began to show the effects of her borderline personality disorder diagnosis. We dealt with high drama, emotional overloading, and risky behaviors and situations for the rest of the school year, in the end really needing to push back on 'the system' (which was telling us they had nowhere else to send her )to find a situation better suited to her needs. Interestingly, this was my first real experience of feeling like I 'failed' a child in asking for her to be moved to a more appropriate setting, but Amanda herself has re-connected with me via Facebook and has shared that her memories of living in our home for those months are some of her best childhood memories. Hmm... Amanda is now 21 and just had her first baby. I am excited that I will get to meet him in just a few weeks.
Lynn - After our family 'recovered' a bit from our experience with Amanda, we decided to dive in again. At that point we felt strongly that it would be good if we could find someone close to the age of Cheyann so she could have a playmate. In hindsight.. I'm not sure we really thought that through completely, but there it is! We phoned our resource coordinator who told us there was nobody in our county that matched our hoped for description, so we went to a neighboring county who hooked us up with Lynn. (I mention this because a few weeks after we were matched to Lynn, our county called us with a new match that they told us took precedence over Lynn as it was within county. We had, at that point already met Lynn and felt she was the right one and so pushed back. It was not easy but we endured and interestingly, we later found out that the 'new match' was a child who ended up with another family in our church and she is now a good friend of Cheyann's. It would NOT have been a good sibling match, however, so thank goodness we endured! ) Lynn was the first born child of a young teen mother who was very angry and also drug addicted. The pair were in and out of foster homes for years before Lynn was finally relocated at a transitional foster home where she stayed for about a year before being transferred to the foster home she was at when we met her. Lynn was at this foster home, a wonderful home with two teacher parents and one birth daughter, for about 6 months but the family became nervous when she started acting out sexually and then when her mother was TPRd and she became free for adoption they decided that was not a road they were comfortable taking. Lynn struggles with symptoms of ADHD and can be quite frozen emotionally. She has spent years in therapy trying to thaw, with some success. She also struggles with the stealing- hoarding-lying triad. On the positive end of things she is a strong athlete, loves horses and all other animals and is an amazing nurturer and a kind, caring and compassionate girl. Lynn has 6 younger birth siblings. We are in touch with two of them and are trying to contact the families of the others to build a connection.
Ethan - Ethan was 17 when he came to stay with us on a cold January day. He was attending an alternate high school and was in treatment for an addiction to substances. For the most part he respected the rules of the household and didn't cause a lot of friction even though family life in general was a rough fit for him after having spent years in rehabs and homes. Melissa (home from college during this time) struggled with his presence as she was bothered by the perpetual smell of cigarette smoke that permeated him. I will always remember him because his memory of his month-long stay in our home was summarized in a few short words. "without them I would have been out on the streets. I had nowhere else to go." I still keep in contact with Ethan who is working full time and just put a deposit down on his first official apartment. Although I imagine he still struggles with his addictions, he has a lot of potential.
Charles -
Charles is the "Texas Rager" I have blogged about already. After quite a few years of maintaining/managing the crew listed above, with quite a few emergency respite kiddos entering our lives along the way, we decided it was time to see about welcoming another long-termer to the family. My husband had often shared his desire to parent another boy, so we began a search for the right fit. We began in our home state with no luck. We knew we wanted a boy between the ages of 7-11 and we knew we couldn't handle any major challenging diagnoses that would impact the well-being of our teen/tween girls. We ended up surfing the Adopt US Kids site and found a couple of boys we felt would fit and made inquiries. One 'hit' came from the state of Idaho, but did not come to fruition because a birth family member was found. Quite a few other 'hits' we passed on feeling the needs of the boys were just too great given our present family dynamic. Charles felt right. It took almost nine months of inquiring, but finally we were given the go ahead and the match and made the trip to San Antonio, Texas to meet him. Charles then joined the family a week before Christmas and we set off down the six months' probationary path we needed to walk before adoption proceedings could take place. We really felt like it would work. We really wanted it to work. For the most part Charles' behaviors were very manageable and he had such a good heart and funny, giving spirit that we began to bond. He played basketball, joined cub scouts, skateboarded, joined Tae Kwon Do and then joined baseball. He really wanted so badly to play football and was just waiting for the right season to be on "dad's" team. And then came the episode that sunk the ship. (read previous post for those details..). It is still a bit raw. We still feel a bit like failures... but honestly.. our home is so much more peaceful now that in some ways it was a blessing in disguise. I had not realized just how much he was pulling out of all of us. But I still think about him and miss him. I am hoping to regain communication with him somewhere down the line.. but I'm not hopeful. Texas was not helpful at all while he was with us. It is a longshot.
And others:
Although that wraps up the more permanent and long-term members of the family, we have had many others enter our lives for moments along the way:
Scotty - 8 - one of our earliest respite kiddos forever etched in memory as he accompanied us on our annual trek to find and cut our family Christmas tree
Cory -13 - came relatively frequently for a few years and spent a lot of time with my husband, going to the mall and just hanging out. Now in Residential.
Sarah - 17 - very confident, long-seeing teen with a plan and goals. She comes periodically to provide respite for her foster mom
Christopher - 13 - difficult match for our family. Lost his sneaker in the creek. Was unhappy and unsettled most of the time he was with us
Carmen - 3- probably the most 'damaged' young child we have ever sheltered. Heard and listened to voices telling him to hurt himself and others.
Heather - 10 - lots of DV issues. Tough dad.... Who knows what else was going on at the house. Did ok with us off and on..
Colby - 17 - needing a quick respite home before heading to Texas to find other family. Tatooed and pierced, questioning, open to help and assistance
Katelyn - 16 - Screamed for a solid two hours when told she couldn't do something. One of the only short-term respite kiddos we have had who was so challenging. I tend to be 'busy' when calls for respite needs for her come my way these days ;p
The young woman whose name I can't even remember who "hid out" in our home overnight as a Facebook stalker was searching her out.
Caitlin - 17 - has stayed with us off and on a few times over the years. Difficulty with her foster parents and relationships in general
Danielle - 12 - girl from our town - just needed a break from home- drama for a bit
Ana - 14 - Spanish speaking, very quiet when she was with us. Had some issues with Internet safety. Mingled some with my older girls
Alyssa - 11 - arrived very late and bedraggled and gone early the next morning. Blonde, blue-eyed, elfin, clearly needing control and probably deeply angry
Kayla - 16 - quite distant. Missing many of her teeth. Seemingly already "beaten" by the hand she was dealt in her short number of years on Earth
Kyla - 12- Needed a break from mom. Challenging. Pushed many limits.
The A. clan - 5 children ranging in age from 2-8 that Melissa and I agreed to take on for the day. Interesting the difference between how they were described by DCF (no real problems) and the challenges we saw that day!! Not to mention that our house has never been toddler-proofed. Exhausting!
Michael - 16 - charming and level. I remember this kiddo because typically we don't take in teen boys right now because of the ages of our adopted girls and potential for trouble there, but the case - worker for this teen really felt like it would be ok as he was not interested in girls - and it really was. Cheyann still thought he was cute, but he pretty much ignored her.
Ryley - 10 - arrived bedecked in gold chains and accompanying attitude. Headed to Residential from our home - no real surprise there.
I think that is everyone up until today, and I look forward to adding more to the list.
I am grateful to have been able to share even a small moment of time with each of these souls. They have all taught me something along the way, and hopefully, we have helped create a memory for each of them of at least one family.. one person.. in their lives who cared.
