Grief and Relief

Grief and Relief. How can a human being really experience both of those emotions at the same time, and feel both of them so strongly? Makes no logical sense  -but it very accurately describes where I currently live emotionally.  On December 24th the police department in our "big city" was tipped off as to the location of Lynn via a friend who was talking with her on Snapchat. After an incredibly dramatic day that included bio family blaming me for tipping off the police and then becoming very hostile, and a mental health system that failed, the decision was made to leave Lynn in the dubiously safe hands of bio aunts in said city.  As the last two weeks have unfolded it has become clear to me that this really is the "end" of Lynn's current journey with our family. So grief - for all of the "could- have- beens." She was so close to successfully graduating high school and moving on to some training in a field where she could find a career. She was so close to getting her driver's license. She was so close to moving to the next level of her riding and possibly even solid work at the barn. She was so close to throwing off the ties that were binding her to a life of trauma-reactions and accepting her role in this family that has loved her for 13 years. She was so close..  So grief - not only for the "could-have-beens" but for the loss of Lynn. I love her, and I miss 'us'.   And relief - at no more sleepless nights and fear-filled mornings wondering where she is and worrying about her safety. No more searching the city for her at all hours of the night, placing yet another missing persons call, and responding to calls from crisis, law enforcement and the hospital.  No more having to lock up everything in the house of value for fear it will be stolen. No more phone calls from school reporting that she was skipping school or suspended for this behavior or that. No more hoeing out the bedroom to pull out weeks old food waste and dirty clothing and finding drugs and weapons. No more tense interactions with  my husband and bio children as I attempted to remain her advocate and continue the solitary role of therapeutic parenting throughout all of that hard. Relief at being able to breathe normally again and find myself amidst the ashes. Grief. and.. relief.