Losing Hope

Cheyann has now been away from home for fifteen months and there is truly no light at the end of the tunnel. It has been a summer full of phone calls reporting self- harm incidents, suicidal attempts, running away and now aggression and attack towards staff. We have tried various pharmaceutical options, all kinds of therapy, mindfulness, CBT.. just about everything we know to try in the world of trauma, but no real change is happening.  When she is "level" she is still connecting with us, talking of the future and her desire to be a forensic scientist or a writer, loving to read and wanting to ride motocross, and even connecting with church friends,  but then a day later she is enraged and out-of-control, a feral badger. Her latest foray into the black abyss not only brought her back to the ER, but bought her a ticket out of her current residential placement with no real options for next steps. Luckily the stupidity of the Mental Health system in our area let me feel angry for a time so I didn't have to drown in the feelings of despair I might otherwise have been led through. Of course, teams are meeting to "discuss" next steps.. but truly, I am losing hope. It became sadly clear to me just how desperate a situation this is when both of my 20- somethings when they arrived home this summer after a lengthy time away both shared with me that they didn't expect she would actually be alive any longer by the time they had returned home,  and both honestly wonder if it would be better for her if she were on the other side of the veil now. The struggle is so immense.

Allegations

As a Social Worker I have worked for many years with families who have been reported to DCF with allegations of all kinds. It is never a fun process in the best of times, but I had no real idea of what it felt like to be on the other side until a few months ago. Oh yes, there had been allegations made by my sweet teenager, and even a few that had been followed up on, and yes, I did feel that heart-racing, adrenaline rush that accompanies a sense of fear/danger, but they were short-lived and manageable. This time around, it went on for weeks, and it was far from manageable. The allegation she made this time around was against her brother and the overwhelming sense of fear that accompanied the news that the allegation was being reported was profound. I went to deep levels of fear for the safety of my son and what it might mean for his future if anything she reported was substantiated. The fear moved quickly and surprisingly to anger. How dare she drag this sibling into her dark and dramatic place?!? I was so angry and so afraid. The only solace I could really find was on my knees and it took additional fasting and prayer to move it anywhere. Finally, I was able to catch my breath and come back to a semblance of normal. It rocked my world and know I truly know what it feels like to fear.

"In Your Face" Truths about Adoption and Attachment.

This is a very strong video, with some admitted biases and overgeneralizations, but all-in-all I think helpful when trying to understand the overall picture of a family struggling to raise children with attachment challenges.

http://blog.attachmenttraumanetwork.org/face-video-help-children-rad/

No Answer

"But what about all the great kids who need to be adopted?

I don't have the answers.

My only suggestion would be for somehow when a kid has proven to be a danger to the family, there should be some help, another safe place to place the kids without the parents being blamed for the mental illnesses that came into their homes with the kids. " - Big Mama Hollers


Yes. I have been thinking about this topic a lot lately. As I contemplate how in the world we will ever be able to return to live with Cheyann if and when she ever does return to us.. navigating  the excruciatingly difficult conflicting emotions ranging from fear of her return, to guilt over not parenting "better" to really missing her dearly.. what a roller coaster ride. And can I really say that I am still a proponent of adoption after all this? And yet.. when I got a call the other day with a request to take in not 1, not 2 but 4 siblings I actually found myself considering it!! Because in the end.. I do what I do because I care deeply about others and want to do all I can do to help.. but is there a point at which you have to consider the long term costs and ramifications to the family system as a whole? I agree with "big Mama".. I do not have an answer.

"a mom needing information is more effective than an FBI agent..."

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/after-trauma/2015/01/how-are-complex-trauma-and-borderline-personality-disorder-related/

Still Searching?

I had an email yesterday from our area adoption agency asking if we were still "searching" for another child to adopt because they had a 9 year old boy that needed a home. I don't think there is anyone who would feel like our life is "stable" enough yet to invite yet another "damaged" child into our home with the hopes of loving him enough that he might be able to heal... but for some reason that didn't stop me from at least considering the idea... After all, we do currently have two empty bedrooms..  I think I really do have some kind of Savior Complex. I just can't stand the idea of children out there in need if I have time, energy and space to help... but fortunately, the logical part of my brain kicked in in time and I was able to share with this worker my concerns that our family just might have too much on its plate emotionally right now with Cheyanne's current MH crisis, Lynn's ongoing challenges,  Donald's mission return scheduled for this summer, our 'failed' attempt at the adoption of our Texas boy (who is still looking for an adoptive home...) and now new baby Enoch and the joys and challenges of new grandparenthood. So, I guess we have dodged that life changing event for now.. but why can't I get the thought out of my head?

Medical Crisis vs. Mental Health Crisis

We have a family in our church community struggling with the crisis of a child with a brain tumor. It is a horrible hand to have to play - scary, exhausting, all-encompassing. As we try to love and support our friends through this challenge, it occured to me just how much more "acceptable"  it is in our society to rally around individuals experiencing a  medical issue as compared to a mental health issue. It is easy to create Facebook support pages, send treats and gifts of love and healing and caring to the Boston Childrens Hospital. Everyone understands and everyone wants to help. Nobody knows how to respond to our family (and others like us) who are working hard to support a child with a serious mental health issue. Sending flowers and treats to the Brattleboro Retreat or Devereux is just not something that is done. Visiting is often impossible or at least very challenging because nobody knows just what state of mind the patient is going to be in when the visit day arrives. Other church families are tentative about allowing their children to contact our teen because they don't want them exposed to suicidal ideation and cutting. It is so much more isolating.. and really, sadly, still a source of discrimination in 21st Century America. I wouldn't change anything about the level of support we are able to offer our friend's child during her medical crisis. If honest though, I do have to admit that I wish there was a similar level of support and positive energy that could be generated for our struggling child.