Vicarious Trauma

I have been reading the book Tribe lately and scarily relating all too well. How sad is it that the role of foster/adoptive parent feels similar to that of a war veteran?!? The "hits" we take on a regular basis that cut to our very souls. The hypervigilance - just waiting for the next shoe to fall. The sense of despondency and the chronic fear that our children are just never going to make it through. And that sense of just being so tired. I am tired. This journey is exhausting.

Just Muddling Through

The question posted on the support group web page: "Are you currently surviving or thriving?"  My mind turned this question over and over in my head as I reviewed the current status of my family and could just not land on one side or another. On some days and in some ways we are thriving, but on other days and in other ways we are just surviving. As I continues to ponder how best to answer the question I noted one differing comment in the sea of  "just barely surviving" comments with a smattering of "thrivings" - stating, "we are just muddling through". Yes. That. For the most part, we are muddling through.

She Kinda has It Coming

Lynn shared with me yesterday that she had to report a peer for sexually harassing her over Snapchat. For "normally-developing" teens with no trauma history or 'baggage', the responses of most of the adults in their world given this kind of event are generally comments full of concern and maybe even anger towards the aggressor. For Lynn, given her complicated history and challenged behavioral choices, the responses were more along the lines of the following, "well, the way she acts and dresses she kinda had it coming."  My first instinct was to immediately recoil and push back on the blame-the-victim mentality, but I admit I had second thoughts as well that looked scarily similar to those of the other adults who commented. Just another example of the kind of cognitive shifting that happens in the world of raising traumatized children.  In the end though,  in the words of her brother, "it still isn't right".

Baseball Caps and Eye Pencils

Sometimes it's the everyday "stuff"  that really gets to you. Things seem to be going along just fine with no major issues and once again you are lulled into thinking that maybe this time the healing really has happened and your child really has become "normally developing." And then.. .the ball cap shows up missing and you know exactly where you left it, and you finally figure out how to get into the new Powerschool Portal and lo and behold the child who has continuously reassured you that they have no homework is failing history, and as the frustration level really begins to climb again you discover that the one eye pencil you use every day; the one that has lived in the same drawer in the vanity for years is all of a sudden missing, and you are thrown right back into it. Maybe you really did misplace that item this time? Yeah, you know better.

Making Lemonade

I am so excited to not only announce the publication of my first book -Laugh Before You Cry  -Creative Strategies for Parenting Attachment-Challenged Children, but also to report that it has now being read and reviewed. A bit nerve-wracking for sure, but I was honored to receive the following very special review from a fellow adoption-writer, Susan Badeau:

"So this came in the mail today and I read it in one sitting! Excellent job providing clear, concrete, useful tips and tools for parents! I'll write my Amazon review shortly - bravo Michele Courville Feiner"


It certainly doesn't make the journey any less difficult, but I am so happy to be able to share some of the many ideas and strategies I have learned along the way with others on a similar path. Now - on to work on book two!

Choosing My Sister or My Husband

It's been a rocky end to Sophomore year for Lynn. Lots of 'hands-on' at school. Her teachers really still do not get trauma behaviors at all and are at a loss in regards to both how to understand the behavior and how to address it. That email about the hands-on situation was quickly followed by another from one of the teens in our church youth group letting me know that Lynn  decided to take a provocative picture of herself in a sports bra and send it to a boy she is interested in getting to know better. The picture was not at all welcomed by the boy who is a friend of this young woman. Lynn swears she just wants to be his friend and everyone sends scantily-clad pix of themselves to others. She did, however, actually break down completely when she realized that her actions might very well mean the end of her relationship with the guy she has been dating for three months. She really did feel that fear and sorrow intensely and I have some hope that it means that maybe, just maybe, that pre-frontal cause and effect cortex may be kicking in at least a little. I thought that was enough stress for one week but no. Just a few days after those two incidents she opted to lie about being given permission to take her brother's  and father's fishing gear to a school trip, and then the cherry to top off the week was when it was discovered that her brother-in-law's good knife, which had been missing for a year, was in the tackle box. As Lynn continues to swear that she knows nothing about how that knife could have come to be found there, her sister has been put in that incredibly difficult position that I know well. Does she choose to support her husband, who is absolutely furious that Lynn would steal his knife, or her sister who she well knows struggles immensely with this challenge. It would be easy to say that she doesn't have to choose - but just accept and love them both, but in real-time, that is not how it feels. I know. It is a conundrum I wrestle with daily.

And on other notes - no, I mean no movement on Cheyann. Still in Savannah. Still treading water. She will be 18 in November. That terrifies me.

Well.. This One Has a Happy Ending

For the last week or so we have been the landing pad for a 12 year old boy. There is a lot of 'he said she said' going on in the situation, and we have only just met him, so who knows the real truth of what happened, but whatever that might look like it was nice to have his energy in our home. He was almost always cheerful, usually helpful and became a fast friend to both Lynn and my grandson. We kept him with us until his mom could drive up from her home in Maryland and after spending some time with DCF and the court system, she was awarded custody and she and her mom worked with us to make a good transition back to them. This is how it looks when foster care is working and it clearly made an impact on Lynn for the better as she said to me as he drove away this morning, reunited with his mom and grandmother,  "well, this one has a happy ending."